Lonely Midnight Chat Logs
by Rosae-Sif
Summary: Bored one day, Sollux makes the choice to go sorting through Eridan's files. At first, he thinks he's found a set of wish-fulfillment chat logs so he calls Karkat over to enjoy them with him. They don't enjoy. Instead the files they find change how they see Eridan, and not in the best of ways. TW: Self-harm, Self-Loathing, Mention Suicide
1. Chapter 1

It had been a long day for Sollux, and hacking into Eridan's shit was both easy and normally amusing, so long as he didn't click on anything labeled March. That had been both a terrifying experience, and one hell of a lecture from Feferi about other people's privacy. But, having learned that lesson, he felt pretty safe going through the computer now. Today he had consulted KK and as per his suggestion was now digging through Eridan's chat logs to search for any suitable blackmail material.

He had been hoping for some love confession after a blocking, or maybe some embarrassing secrets on anyone (Eridan's talent for gossip could be useful at times), but he had stumbled across something even better. What he had found was a hoard of carefully hidden old chat logs, that the fishdick must have thought he'd deleted. Everything he could possibly wish for was here, not only had he found hundreds of old logs of Eridan doing nothing but talking to himself, but he'd also found a collection where Eridan had actually pretended to be someone else using a secondary computer. It was pathetic, in an entirely platonic way.

Astonished at his finding, Sollux had wasted no time in calling Karkat over to share in this new treasure. It had taken some convincing to get him to come over, but reading the first line of one of his favorites so far had done the trick.

When the other finally got there, the fun really began.

"Look at thith, lother imperthonated FF. Letth thee what he hath to thay to her."

Karkat, who was now in control of the computer clicked on one of the more recent logs.

The file was not what they expected.

caligulasAquarium began trolling cuttlefishCuller at 2:34 am

CA: Hey Fef, listen, I know things haven't been great between us, but I've been really been stress out with feeding your mom.

CA: I know you really miss her, but hey, at least now we don't haft'a worry about everyone dying on us.

CA: Would you like to come over for a feelings jam and ice cream?

CC: I can't come over, guards got set up 'cause mom died, but we can talk on here?

CC: And I understand, I know how much that job sucked for you.

The two nerds glanced over at each other, this had not been what they were expecting. Starting to become cautious, Sollux tried to look unaffected and made a new suggestion.

"Let'th try on of thothe rambling thelf chath inthead. should be thomething in there."

Kakart hesitantly opened up another folder, this time clearly just Eridan talking to himself. The first half was mostly about how dumb doing this was, so they bypassed that to get something they hoped was good.

caligulasAquarium began trolling caligulasAquarium at 3:47 am

CA: I'm just done being alone, and if talking to myself helps makes this awful feeling go away, fine, I'll just act crazy then.

CA: It's just driving me insane, every time I walk away from a kill, knowing that grub will never survive.

CA: Knowing their fate is my fault.

CA: Who knows what they could have grown up to be, if I didn't fuck all of it up.

CA: But I can't not, or everyone dies.

CA: It sucks and there's no way out, I can't leave Fef to do it, she'd never manage and it's not fair to put the job on her, but I'm a monster for doing it, and a monster if I don't and I can't I can't I can't I can't.

CA: In lighter news, I talked ta Kar today

CA: I think he was in a good mood, he actually talked to me a little before blocking me

CA: Most just silly little things, but it's better than nothing

CA: I mean, he made fun of me a little for being desperate

CA: But it's not like I'm not

CA: So I guess he gets to

CA: Honestly, I disgust me most of the time

CA: I'm way too clingy and gross and I can't handle being left alone

CA: But I can't stop myself, I'm awful for it, but I can't even handle a month on my own

CA: Can't just troll up and take care'a myself

CA: No I'm'a desperate loser who can't be take being alone.

CA: Half the time I think I should just off myself so they don't have to deal with me

CA: But If I do then Fef has to take care of her mom by herself an' I know she can't handle that

Right there was where the both of them chose to stop reading. Neither was feeling particularly good about themselves right now, and both were quite engrossed with recalling various conversations they had recently had with Eridan. Almost all of which had involved name calling on some level, name-calling related to many of the things Eridan had said about himself.

Name-calling that when reflected upon with new information, seemed to cross the line into bullying. Or honestly at a few low points something akin to torture.

Names such as Grub-killer, or slut. Attention-whore also sprung to mind.

The two of them glanced at each other, not knowing what to say.

Finally Karkat spoke up.

"Want to pretend we never saw this?"

Which Sollux met with a quick nod before going back to his computer to remove the files. and cover his tracks.

Still, pretending can only go so far, and as the two of them found out later that night, it can't erase a guilty feeling. Nor can you unlearn something when you know what you'd learned was right, and what Sollux and Karkat learned that night was that they were total assholes to Eridan.

It wasn't just them either, once they'd noticed it, they couldn't unnotice it. All they could see whenever someone would interact with Eridan was those stupid logs and how those asshole were probably making it worse. And it wasn't just what others were doing either, it was the way Eridan was reacting to them. Little things they've never noticed before.

Like how when Feferi would tell Eridan her mom was getting hungry so he'd have to go out again soon, sure he puffed up his chest like he always did and made his usual statements about how good of a hunter he was, but now Sollux noticed a little tremble in his hand when he gripped him gun. How he leaned against his Lucus before they went out, looking like he was about to cry, when he thought no one was looking.

To be fair, no one was supposed to be looking, and Sollux was seriously starting to question how much he was invading the others privacy by hacking into various video systems around the hive. Along with diving back into the logs. He hadn't meant to, but the more he read, the less he was able to stop himself and the more worried he became.

It wasn't his fault though, he was starting to seriously worry about Eridan's mental health and there was no other way to check up on him without admitting to having read the logs. Already he had been dodging having any sort of conversation with him because he had no idea how to anymore.

As Eridan departed, Sollux started to roll that statement around in his head. The more he did, the more he realized how horrifyingly awful it was. He didn't know how to interact with Eridan without picking on him for things he had major insecurities about. Which lead him to the conclusion that every time he and quite possibly several of their other friends had talked with Eridan they had made the insecurities worse. For fuck's sake they had probably caused half of them.

Finally it became impossible for him to stay with his own thoughts any longer, and with no one else he could talk to, Sollux pulled up his chat client and clicked on Karkat's handle.


	2. Chapter 2

_Finally it became impossible for him to stay with his own thoughts any longer, and with no one else he could talk to, Sollux pulled up his chat client and clicked on Karkat's handle. _

\- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 03:34 -

TA: KK

TA: KK ii can't do thith anymore

TA: ii hacked iinto ED's thecurity footage to keep an eye on him and he'th not okay.

CG: Hold the fuck on

CG: You hacked his security footage?!

CG: Sollux, I understand you don't have many boundaries and you suck at social norms, but even someone as nookdeep in mind honey as you has to understand that goes past the line of normal fucked up.

TA: yeth ii know that kk.

TA: ii couldn't help iit.

TA: ii couldn't talk to hiim after all the thiit we read and ii got worriied.

CG: …..

CG: It's bothering you too?

TA: of courthe iit's botheriing me KK.

TA: ii found more of those fiileth, and they're all just ath bad.

TA: He'th not okay, ii don't know how he'th lasted under all thiith prethure, but he'th not lasting much longer.

CG: I'm sure he's fine.

TA: KK no.

TA: KK he'th not fiine, ii just watched him almost have a breakdown getting on hiith lucuth for another hunt.

CG: Eridan is normal about 5 second away from a breakdown.

TA: whiile ii understand deniial iith a normal state for you, thiis iith not an okay tiime for iit.

TA: ii diid a liittle research on past orphanerth and you want to know how 97.63% of them diied?

TA: Thuiiciide. 97.63% of orphanerth kiiled themselveth. 3 managed to get themselveth kiilled other wayth.

TA: he iith not 'fiine'

CG: ...

CG: Well what do you want me to do about it?

TA: ii don't know

TA: ii don't know how to help hiim or how to of any of thiith thhit.

TA: ii just know we have to do thomethiing.

CG: …

CG: YEAH, I KNOW.

For awhile, neither of them touched their keyboard, both knowing that they could not do nothing, but knowing that was nothing was all they knew to do. Until Eridan decided that now was the best time to message Karkat.

\- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 03:34 -

CA: Kar? You there?

Over at his computer, Karkat was freaking out. He didn't know what to say or how to handle the situation, so he didn't. Instead, he switched windows to ask Sollux for help.

Oh how he would later wish he hadn't done that.

CA: Kar, this isn't funny.

CA: Why have you been ignoring me?

CA: And why has Sol been doing the same thing?

CA: Are you two planning something?

CA: I mean, I get Sol ignoring me some of a' the time, but normally he'll at least tell me ta' fuck off.

CA: I know you're there, Gam told me he talked to recently.

CA: Are you okay?

CA: Did I say somethin' to piss you guys off more than normal?

CA: Did I mess somethin' up?

CA: Whatever it was, just answer, I didn't mean to offend you.

CA: Kar, I really need someone to talk to right now.

CA: I know I probably fucked something up here, I always do that.

CA: And I know I'm always a fuckin' mess, but I don't know how to handle this Kar.

CA: I'm scaring myself and I don't know what to do.

CA: I can't talk to Fef about it and I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

CA: I've just been super overwhelms and I just got back from a hunt and it didn't go well.

CA: Kar, I can't handle this.

CA: I can't do this anymore and I can't not do either.

CA: ….

CA: Please Kar, just one word.

CA: Anything.

CA: I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry and I didn't mean it, I swear.

CA: I'm sorry, please just answer, I need to talk to someone.

CA: I'm sorry.

caligulasAquarium [CA] disconnected.

While Karkat had just figured out with Sollux a rough idea of what to say he noticed Eridan go offline. Swearing quite loudly, he swapped his chat back to the wall of purple text that he quickly scanned.

"No, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, this is bad."

Abandoning the chat, Karkat snatched up his phone clicking Eridan's name. With baited breath he listened to the ringing of the phone. Nobody answered. Instead he was greeted with Eridan's normal voicemail message, which he meet with swearing before hanging up.

It took him a total of twelve seconds of swearing and rereading the chat log to figure out his next course of action. Once more he used his phone, but this time to call Sollux who had the decency to answer.

"KK-"

"No time, I fucked up, he's not answering and I need you to check that video feed and make sure he's okay right now."

From the other end, Karkat could hear the faint clicking of keys before Sollux answered.

"He's not in his hive, or at least not where any of the cameras can catch him. His lucus is there though. What happened KK?"

"Fuck, fuck everything. I didn't think to check while he was talking to me and long story short he thinks I was ignoring him. Get your ass over here, I'm calling Feferi and then you are flying me to his hive so we can both sort this out."

And with that, he hung up on the other without giving him a chance to reply. One quick call to Feferi later explaining roughly what was wrong, without fully revealing the level of snooping he and Sollux had done and she had promised to swim up to his hive to look for him, which took care of at least some of the problem.

From there, he couldn't do much but continue to try and call Eridan while waiting for Sollux to land outside his hive. Surprisingly, it wasn't long before the psiioniic landed outside and with no words spoken, the two of them were back in the air and headed for Eridan's hive. Luckily Sollux had flown there a few times before, mostly to visit Feferi as her own hive was underwater.

Finally, after the journey over sea which was awkward for the both of them due to the silence and mild guilt weighing them down, they made it to his hive.

It wasn't a pleasant place to be, even on a clear day. Eridan's hive was creepy on a good day and straight up out of a horror movie on the bad ones.

Feferi was waiting out front for them, a mix of worry and indignation clearly being displayed as she waved at them, singeling for them to land near her. When they did as directed, she began to speak before they could, her tone distressed and her fish puns less pointed than normal.

"I can't fin him anywater, I've been through his normal spots in his hive and he's not there and Seahorsedad seas that he hasn't left, so I don't know where he could be."

Everything was rushed and a little garbled, but the two made it out what she was saying, though it was Karkat who replied first.

"What the fuck do you mean by 'his normal spots' couldn't he still be in the hive?"

"Well, yes but he really doesn't like or use most of his hive. Most of the bottom floors are broken or gross and he almost never goes on the seacond half. If he was as upseat as you say he was, then I doubt he'd go there."

"It's worth checking though, Sollux and I can scour the bottom area, you check the second half of his ridiculous, unnecessaryly weird hive."

The other two gave a quick nod before the group split up, each hurrying to their area.


	3. I Know

The hunt through Eridan's second hive half wasn't an easy one, the area hadn't been used since it was built and the wood was weak from years of storms and lack of chemical treatments. Not to mention it appeared that he had just shoved all the debris from the ship's interior over here. Sollux had almost skewered his foot several times on stuff sticking up off the floor.

But finally, they found something. It wasn't a good something. What they found was a trail of violet blood that grew thicker as they followed it. Both of them were increasing worried, speeding up their pace as they went along until they made it to their goal, a sight that froze both of them in their tracks.

Eridan was pressed up against a wall, a deep gouge in his side that appeared to have come from some sort of beast, and claws marks clearly made by his own claws covering his arms. He was huddled up with his legs pressing against the gouge in his side with his eyes wide and fearful. Nobody in the room could speak.

Slowly Karkat tried to move towards him, only to stop when Eridan flinched and tried to force himself back against the wall. His breath was shallow and quick, and Karkat came to the realization that if he didn't calm Eridan down then he was going to hyperventilate, so with Sollux still being a useless asshole with no social skills it was left up to him to try and calm him down. Taking in a deep breath he spoke in his calmest voice.

"Eridan, fuck what happened to your side, that's not good. Please come out of the corner, we really need to get you patched up."

It was a strain for him to keep his voice down and calm, even moreso with the amount of blood that was covering Eridan, but it was all for naught. No more then a few seconds after Karkat began to speak, the seadweller seemed to come out of his state of shock and to life.

With panicked movements, Eridan threw himself backwards against the wall, trying desperately to push himself away from them. His claws dug further into his flesh and his eyes widened beyond what should have been possible.

"Fuck, sorry, don't do that." Karkat stammered as he quickly took a step back, doing his best to shrink down his size and not corner the other. He knew what happened to highbloods when they lost it and he really didn't fancy having his blood all over the walls.

Unlike Karkat, Sollux had no social skills or instincts to tell him what he was about to do was a horrible idea.

"Look fishdick, I know you're really stressed out but you're hurt and we need to get you patched up so get out of the corner, Fef will be comin' with a medical kit soon enough."

Which, while something in another time might have jarred him into a sense of normalcy was the worst possible thing he could have said.

Strange mixes of hate at the words, fear and raw unfiltered pain ran through Eridan's veins It was overwhelming and the straw that broke his back. Both the others in the room jumped back as he let out a snarl, his eyes snapped into pure violet.

For a few seconds there was nothing but heavy breathing from the other two in the room, both prepared to run though even with Sollux's power there would be little they could do to stop or outrun his rampage. And then suddenly Eridan's eyes snapped closed and he folded in on himself.

All that rage, all that destructive power was forced upon his own body. It wasn't a pretty sight as claws and shark's teeth tore into harden skin. Schoolfeeds had been quick to educate both the lowbloods in the room as to what happened to others when a highblood raged, but they'd never seen what happened when the rage was turned on themselves. Later they would wish that they still hadn't.

No more then a few second passed of Eridan's claws slicing his own flesh then Karkat snapped back to something close to his senses and in a moment of pure, horribly thought out impulse, he moved across the room, faster than he ever had before, and wrapped the other up in a hug.

Everyone froze, Karkat with his stubby arms half circling, half pinning Eridan's. Eridan with his claws still sunk into his own skin. And Sollux with his piisonics poised to yank Karkat away from the other.

Somehow, it was Eridan that moved first. All the rage had been forced out of him by the shock and replaced with a tired sadness. The seadweller's body went limp as he collapsed into tired, weak sobs. There were hardly even any tears, his eyes were dried out but his words were not.

Nothing could be heard clearly, but there was words mumbled out that sounded a lot like wiggler, fault and monster. Karkat was rubbing his back as best he could and making little shushing noises at the other, but nothing was calming him down.

Sollux, who was now very unsure of himself, fired off a quick text to Feferi to let her know where they were and that she needed to bring medical supplies before turning off the phone and awkwardly shuffling up to the pair of them. He'd already fucked up once and he didn't want to do it again.

It was awhile before either of them could work a story out of Eridan, they'd pressed some cloth scraps up against his wounds while waiting for Feferi to bring them a proper medical kit. After getting his sobs under control, he had fallen silent for a bit, with Karkat trying to get him to talk. It took some pressure but he finally broke down.

"I-I fucked up, okay? I wwas s-supposed to be gettin' food for Fef's lucus an' I fucked it u-up. I tho-ought it wwas wwild prey b-but it wwasn't. I-i wwasn't prepared for there to be a wwiggler there and I t-took my eyes of my target. I-i mishot. I h-hit the wwiggler and the lucus g-got in a b-blow. But Kar, I killed t-them. T-they were l-little a-and t-they looked l-like K-kan."

It was all he could get out before dissolving into sobs once again, but it was enough for the two of them to understand. They shared a look where Sollux gave a glaring Karkat a helpless shrug before the small mutant reached out, grabbed Sollux by his shirt edge and tugged him down to join the two of them.

All of it was awkward and there were too many elbows and far too much crying, but finally Karkat managed to get the two of them at least somewhat close to cuddling without leaking eyes. Feferi had yet to show up because as they had discovered, Eridan didn't have a medical kit. Something Karkat would have been ready to scream his lungs out about were it not for the ashamed look Eridan had given him when he'd managed to get that information out of him.

It'd taken Sollux's pii to move Eridan back to his main hivestem, despite several attempts to walk from Eridan the blood loss was affecting him more then he would admit. But when the three of them had finally settled down into a couch area, Karkat decided it was time to talk.

"Alright, I know you've already been through a kraken's shit of a day, but let me add a fuck ton of seaweed on top of that. Sollux and I looked through your chat logs where you were talking to yourself. I am more than aware of the fact that it was a fucked up thing for us to do, we're both pre-sorry about that but Eridan the shit we found in there wasn't anything within a fuckwidth of healthy."

Karkat took a pause from his rambling to let Eridan take everything in. The range of the seadwellers emotions was pretty much stuck between upset, betrayed and self loathing. Already the mutant could see him curling up on himself, so before he could, Karkat continued.

"Listen, I know this hard for you to here, but you can't keep doing this to yourself. Your morailship with Feferi isn't good for either of you and you're forcing yourself to take on way to much shit to deal with. You can't keep going like this Eridan."

There had been many things Karkat had been expecting when he'd told the other that, he'd expected a shitfit over it, he'd expected Eridan to blame himself for something that just wouldn't have worked. He'd expecting anger and blame and tears.

But he didn't expect what happened.

No, he didn't expect a quiet, resigned nod from Eridan. It was shortly followed by short, muttered sentences.

"I. I know. It's bad for me to escape in those stupid fantasies. I know I can't keep doing this. But I can't stop either."


End file.
